I haven't posted here for a long time. Guess I might as well start with an update on my life oh the past half year or so...
I have been playing FFXI for a while now. This is how I met Mary. We started out a good friends in game, to the point where we started talking on the phone, and it became evident that we had a mutual interest for each other. I did a lot of little things in game to show my interest, and come Valentines day, I crafted her a Heart Chocolate(a high quality version of a Bubble Chocolate, yea, I took up cooking in game as my craft), and also gave her an Astral Ring. Astral Rings in this game cost a pretty penny, and took me months of crafting and selling stuff to save up enough gil(in game currency) to buy her one. Things went great, she even accepted my in game proposal, yea, thats right, you can actually get married in game officially, complete with ceremony, wedding dress, etc. Time went on, and I flew out to Buffalo to meet her for the first time. Things went great. We were happy...
After that first visit, things started to fall apart. When we first started our relationship and talking on the phone, there was this other guy in game whom would call her, and apparently went psycho on her. Instead of telling him the truth though, she would switch over, tell him she was talking on the phone with a family member and that she couldn't talk now, then come back and talk to me. This threw me off as odd. I felt as if she was afraid to admit to anyone that she was with me. Yea, we were officially together at this point. What really annoyed me though was that she was lying to this guy, and doing it seemingly without remorse. She later tells me that she was worried what he might have done if he learned she was actually talking to me, and knowing him myself, makes sense. But I was blind to that, and only saw it that she found it very easy to lie. I'm the kind of person who will tell the truth, always, almost to a fault. I know now that there are times where it is appropriate to lie...
But anyways, we had several fights, mostly about stupid stuff. Piddly little things that shouldn't, in my opinion, have changed the outlook of whether or not a relationship would last or not. But, as would have become one of her reasons to break up with me, it wasn't the topics of the arguments, but rather the frequency. The arguments became more frequent, and I could tell, even though she never said it, that she was pulling away. More and more so, and I think the more she pulled away, the more I fought with her, unconciously, because I knew she wasn't letting me in on the fact she was pulling away. I went out and saw her a second time in July. I thought everything went well, but after I got home, she told me that she didn't think so. I was extremely nervous as this was supposed to be the trip where I met her parents. But as it turns out, even though she put it on the calender, her father forgot or something and was out of town. Her mom took some flack from her father because of it. Things from there got worse. Eventually I did get to meet her mother, not anything special, as we were just outside in the front yard. We barely spoke. Not something I was expecting for a first meeting, I mean, I was all expecting to get grilled by her mother, I mean, I am the guy whom lives on the other side of the country and dating her daughter, I would have thought she would have had quite a few questions for me. Anyways, Mary didn't see the way I was acting as something that was coming from the fact that I was so nervous. I really don't know what she thought really. Although I do know we talked about it, by this point she wasn't really being very open to me and telling me what was going on in her life. A major point I have a problem with, because if I would have known half the stuff she was going through, I wouldn't have been, I don't know, as demanding on her or whatever.
There was a time in our relationship where she didn't have a problem talking to me over the phone everyday. To me, being a long distance relationship, thats all we had. I had come to expect it. Stupid I guess, but toward the end of the relationship, she took my wanting to talk to her so often as that I was trying to check up on her. In a small way I guess this was true, but only to the extent that I wanted to know what was going on in her life. Of course, there was that small part of me, that was cautious, I have been cheated on enough in my life that I don't know if that suspicion will ever fully cease. I think it has enough to the point where its just a thought in the back of my head that I don't generally act on. But right up to the very end of the relationship, she really didn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. It was hard. I didn't know what to think. Then she left on vacation with her parents for a few days.
She told me that I probably wouldn't hear from her much while she was gone, and I said that was ok, at least send me a text message or two letting me know you are ok, saying good night etc. But I couldn't even get that. She was ok on the first day, we even talked briefly. But after that things just seemed to change swiftly. The day she got back home, I didn't hear from her until late in the day. I called her because she took offense to my wanting to hear from her, and I wanted to explain, but it was useless. She was already mad, and there was nothing I could do to change that fact. I think this was the trigger point that made her break up with me.
We still talk, and I find out after she left me, that the day she was driving back with her parents, she was up really late the night before, and got lost on the way home, making the drive a very long one. This was part of what contributed to her being so cranky. If she woulda just told me this BEFORE she got so mad at me, I wouldn't have been so upset that she didn't text message me or anything when she got home. I would have understood that she was dead tired and passed out and just wanted to sleep. Now that I think of it, a lot of our arguments could have been avoided if she would have just told me what was bugging or agravating her before it got to the boiling point and she had just had enough. So I guess I'm not all at fault for the end of our relationship.
When she did break up with me, she said that the arguments were a big part of it, but not the only part. She said she had a lot of other stuff going on in her life that she couldn't handle "us" at the same time. I told her if she just wanted to take a break thats fine, but she made it very clear that she didn't want to just take a break, she just wanted to break it off and call it at that. My guess is so that she didn't have to worry about what to do with us, while she figured other stuff out. I asked her then if there was any hope for us in the future, and she said she didn't know. I told her that until she does know, in my heart, I am still hers, and I'll be waiting until she does know. She told me just the other night, that knowing I was waiting for her, makes her uneasy because of the fact she does know I'm waiting, and feels rushed, even though I told her to take as long as she needs. But she did say that only a part of her felt that way.
Part of me feels that she isn't telling me the whole truth, because she wants to let me down easy. But we have talked about that, and she has told me that there is no one else for her, and that she wouldn't want another relationship for the mear fact that she got rid of me so that she could figure the rest of the stuff in her life out. She has told me she would flat out tell me if she was seeing someone else, etc etc. I guess I should take that at face value and accept it. But its hard to when I have heard her lie to that other guy when we first started our relationship. I almost think it would be easier to deal with this if she were seeing someone else. But she keeps telling me she doesn't know what she wants yet. But there are several things she has said and done that lets me know she still cares, whether or not she wants to admit it and say it or not. I guess for now, its better for her to not know what she wants, then to know she doesn't want me romantically in her life anymore...
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